Five Years of Love and Doubt

Like any other sixteen year old, I was under a little bit of pressure to get a job after turning sixteen. As an aspiring teacher, I've never been one to seek out a higher-paying job over a job that would make me happy. At the time I was a competitive dancer at a dance studio/gymnastics center combo, and when the job of "cheer coach" became available, I practically begged the gym manager for the spot. She probably gave it to me more out of desperation than desire, but still - I had the job. I wasn't exactly qualified - I had been the test dummy when both of my older sisters were cheerleaders, and I had taken one tumbling/stunting class at a local cheer gym. After that, I'd only danced competitively for not quite a year. That was March. In May, the two girls in the class did a cute little performance to "California Girls" by Katy Perry that I choreographed and cut the music for myself, thank you very much, but no one wanted to take cheer over the summer, so I shadowed a more experienced coach as she coached preschool gymnastics. I continued to coach during the school years and work as a camp counselor in the summers until I graduated from high school. I went into college thinking I would focus on studies and not get a job, but by October, I was going nuts not having a job - so I sought out a local gym and contacted them about an application. I filled one out on the spot and the owner was there to review it. As she read it, her face seemed less than enthused. I didn't think she would hire me - and why should she? Here I was, some barely experienced preschool through Level 2 coach trying to compare myself to her amazing staff. That gym was like nothing I'd seen. It was running like a well-oiled machine. Every coach seemed engaged with their class, every kid was doing something and looked like they were actually learning. Surprisingly, she did hire me. I trained with some amazing coaches that I still credit with teaching me a good portion of my knowledge of gymnastics. I've been coaching there ever since, with the exception of summers and one spring semester my sophomore year in which I was an RA. Prior to that spring, I thought she was going to "fire" me. And by "fire" I mean not put me on the schedule for the next semester. I was doing my best, but I still felt like I wasn't cutting it compared to other coaches. She wasn't planning on doing anything of the sort, and I felt really bad that she had to re-do the schedule.
Now we're at the beginning of my junior year of college. I had been planning on only babysitting as my "job", until that same gym owner texted asking if I could please work just one night a week (which is all I had ever been able to work for her). I agreed, and I ended up staying that entire academic year and have recently returned and will coach during this, my final year of college. At first I was pleased that she wanted me back - but then I realized that she didn't necessarily want me, she just needed another coach. Still - I thought - if she didn't like me, she would have just hired someone else.
Do you see the pattern here? I've been coaching gymnastics for the better part of five years and still doubt myself. Quite literally all the time. I spend hours scouring gymnastics websites for new drills or coaching tips, but I feel like they never work for me or my students. I once spent over a month staying late after work to learn skills I was supposed to be teaching my students so that I could see it from their perspective - a problem almost no other coach I've met has had, as they're all former gymnasts or a parent of a gymnast. I feel a personal sense of failure whenever a student doesn't move up a level when I know they have the potential to. I was recently asked to sub for our pre-team program, and I was so. freaking. nervous. Even as I coached, I felt so clueless. The girls corrected me when I took them to bars, because I didn't know that they only do two events per class (because they practice twice a week). Even worse, one of the events they do on Friday's was vault, my worst event. Thankfully, the girls were super good sports about the whole thing and told me what they were working on. At the end of class, a mom thanked me for doing such a great job. Then, I ran into her and her daughter at Target the next day, and she thanked me again. It made me feel good, but not good enough to feel like I'm worth anything as a gymnastics coach.
Maybe, just maybe, this is a good thing. Maybe it's because of this mentality that I'm always trying (but seemingly failing) to be a better coach, to make sure every kid is getting their money's worth.
Also, these past five years have been a roller coaster, but I've loved every minute of it. I may be the definition of "those who can't do, coach" but it's now a title I wear happily - because taking that job now seems like a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I am so, so glad that I took it.

Movie Review: "Kingsman: The Golden Circle"

(Some spoilers, beware)
I really don't know what compelled me to watch the first Kingsman. I just don't. But boy am I glad I did!
I love "Kingsman: The Secret Service". It's a wonderful movie with the perfect balance of action, character development, and humor. Collin Firth is amazing, as usual, and it was the first movie I ever saw starring Taron Egerton, and my love of his acting in that film led me to watch two other films of his: "Sing" and "Testament of Youth". All three movies are among my favorites now.
So, naturally, I gathered some friends who were also fans of the first movie (and my not-a-big-fan fiancé) and went to the theatre the first night that "Golden Circle" was showing.
I am sad to say that I am disappointed.
Hear me out, though: ever since I was young, my dad has taught me to appreciate little things in movies like well-paired music or detailed and realistic CGI. The narrative of the story, however, I learned to appreciate on my own. I make everything in my life into a story, but the story of "Golden Circle" was simply disappointing. Beloved characters killed at the blink of an eye, possibly a plot hole here and there (I'll have to watch it again to be sure), and little to no character relationships made. The cinematics of it, however, were just as good as the first film.
Now here's where the spoilers and my true disappointment really starts:
In the first film, main character "Eggsy" develops a friendship with fellow spy trainee Roxy. However, at the end of the first film, after Eggsy saves the world he is given a sexual opportunity with a princess, and he takes it. Even despite this, I thought that at the beginning of this film, Eggsy and Roxy would at least have a budding relationship after his one-night stand with the princess. However, at the beginning of "Golden Circle", he and the princess are madly in love, and he and Roxy are simply friends.
Now, I don't want to spoil anything else but let me tell you why I feel terrible about this portion of the storyline:
The hot, open-about-sex, privileged princess is the one who "got the guy", leaving strong, confident Roxy in the dust. First of all, it feels like Eggsy was my close, personal friend whom in the first film I saw transform from local delinquent to global gentleman. Then he went and showed me his true colors by choosing the woman who first offered him sex over the woman who first offered him her kindness, trust, and loyalty. I felt betrayed.
Second, while I'm sure it was unintended by the writers and producers, I don't feel good about the message this bit of story sends. Feminism wasn't exactly a theme in the film, but it feels completely ignored now. Here you go young girls who like action movies: you're never going to get the guy if you don't put out. Being strong and confident won't get you the love and affection we all desire. Maybe it would have been better if Roxy had at least been shown with some kind of beau to go home to, but sadly, she seemed all alone.

Overall, it was a good movie and I will watch it again, but this time, I know that my wishes for the characters won't be coming true. I was, once again, quite impressed with the performances by Taron Egerton (Eggsy), Collin Firth, and Mark Strong. Here's to hoping there's a third movie!

Chaos. Not Chay-ose.

When I was younger, I loved playing "Pacman World 2" on my PlayStation 2. There was a level entitled "Canyon Chaos", but for many, many months I pronounced it "chay-ose" - until one day, when I pronounced it like that in front of my mom, and she corrected me.
I've been thinking about that a lot since being placed as a "block student" (think student teacher, sort of) in the first grade at a local elementary school.
It. Is. Chaos.
Now, I've worked in first grade before. But that classroom had desks, no toys, all structured and quiet.
This classroom is a little (read: a LOT!) different. This classroom has toys galore, different types of tables, no assigned seats, and free play every morning. Both classrooms are totally normal, acceptable ways of teaching, but one is definitely more my style (can you guess which one?)
Part of the chaos is that my dear cooperating teacher (the real teacher) has just returned from maternity leave and is slowly but surely laying down the law with her classroom expectations. Things are definitely getting better, but even she is considering switching to assigned seats if these kids can't learn to handle their freedom.
It seems like a pattern with cooperating teachers. When I was in second grade last fall, the teacher said she'd never had kids that talkative. In fourth grade last semester, the teacher said she'd never had kids that behind. Now, my first grade teacher says she's never had kids this wild.
As expected, these kids are already super attached to me - a handful of them in particular. Such is the way of first graders, I suppose. Just the other day I was asked to watch another first grade class during the last fifteen minutes before recess so their teacher could make a doctor's appointment. They watched a movie; I never even so much as introduced myself, but got hugs from five of them on their way to recess.
So, wish me luck as I begin to teach the first of my six required lessons.
Here's hoping my heart will be fuller than my hands!

(Re) Introducing Me

Hello, reader! It's me, Emily!

This is my second blog, the first being one I started in high school (yikes). I'm starting over with a new name for a totally fresh start! 

First off, the story of my recent life:

I'm a 21 year old college senior. More formally, I'm a senior teacher candidate at Southeast Missouri State University. I am in my third semester of spending around 100 hours in a real classroom teaching real lessons, and next semester I will truly be student teaching. I am also a gymnastics coach on the side. I am from St. Louis, Missouri and the youngest of three girls. My eldest sister lives in Kentucky (7 hours away) with her husband - together they have one child on Earth (AJ, age 1) and one angel in heaven. My middle sister lives in St. Louis with her husband. I am recently engaged and am planning to marry the love of my life/future police officer, DJ, in April of 2019. 

The name of this blog comes from two of my favorite things. Flashlights are for camping, power outages, and reading past bedtime - all are things that bring a little thrill to my life. Second, fireflies (a.k.a lightning bugs) - they light the way in the dark, which is something we all need from time to time.
So this is me, and this is my story - teaching, coaching, loving, and living.
Welcome to it.